When the sun goes down
by EroEmo
Summary: The sun has already gone down and the never-ending night has already fallen for Kaneki. The question is if he would be able to find his sun again.


' _It means fucking nothing_ ' his face was completely emotionless, eyes blank and hollow as if everything had already died a long time ago.

It's enough to say he felt horrible from a very long period but when was the last time he actually had felt happiness? Or at least contentedness? It was probably before that accident.  
So quite a really long ago.  
About eight months?  
No, even more.  
Who cares.

' _It's really fucked up. I'm fucked up. Everything is basically fucked up'_ he muttered to himself repeatedly. He had to do so. It was the only way to stay conscious – if not, he will easily disassociate. Feel like in a someone else's dream where the main role should be his but it's not.  
Feel like an unwanted actor in someone else's play where a protagonist is absent since the very beginning.

The phone rang and dark eyes of his looked unwillingly at the screen. It was him. Again. So he ignored it. Again. He wasn't in mood to talk with Tsukiyama today. Exactly like yesterday. And the day before yesterday. They hadn't seen each other for a quite long time but he didn't care that much about it.  
Even if he perfectly knew he should. His attitude was making things only more complicated and frustrating to both of them. He would love to avoid such duties - talking with people, interacting with them. Unfortunately, it was impossible as everyone was worried about him.

He hated it. Being in the center of attention. Being treated with pity and sympathy. The only thing he needed at that time was to disappear. To die. He had some ideas in his head but each one of them seemed to be too violent or too risky; he still searched for this one, perfect plan.

But for now, he had to act as a sad but helpful barista. A good old friend with temporary problems. A caring lover with some silly worries in their head.  
Because what was the point in making people around you even more worried? They had their own problems and there was no need to be another one to their personal lists.  
They didn't need abomination like him.

* * *

' _Oh, so you actually came'_ his mouth tried to smile but it probably looked really stupid. His facial muscles had already forgotten how to make such expression.

' _Hey! Don't be so mean to him!'_ a small rocket appeared and immediately hugged him. ' _Welcome back!_ ' her bright smile was like a piece of sun.

' _Good afternoon, Hinami'_

Unfortunately, his own sun had died almost a year ago.

He barely remembered what was happening at Anteiku. There had been some guests, he had made them coffee and then they had left. Touka had been talking and probably complaining at his 'daydreaming' while Hinami… He couldn't even say if she had been there during his work.

The clock announced the end of the work, at least for him. He was ready to left when the door bell ringed and his hollow eyes saw a person he didn't wish to see.

 _'Long time no see, mon chere'_

 _'Good evening, Tsukiyama-san'_

Amethyst eyes were trying to find any sparkle of warmness or affection on his pale face. With no results.

 _'You're done for today, right? I'll go with you'_ and without any hesitation he wrapped his slender arm around him. There was no point refusing this offer. It wasn't even an offer. It was a clear statement and no matter what he would say, Tsukiyama wouldn't listen to him.

 _'You really don't have to do this'_ he said after a while with his, lately usual, cold manner.

 _'Don't be stupid. You're avoiding me and ignoring my calls. Do you think I will let you go home without talking with me?_ '

 _'Your stubbornness is enormous'_ his boyfriend sighed as if he expected such answer yet wished for a nice surprise.

 _'The same goes to you, Ken'_ he knew Tsukiyama was right but it wasn't necessary to admit that out loud.

 _'Please, shut up'_ it shouldn't have sounded so mean but he couldn't help it.

 _'Ehh…'_ even if this impolite language hurt there was no sign on this model-like face _. 'When will you open to me?'_

 _'What do you mean?'_

They stopped as if it was the end the walk. It wasn't. His house was still a bit farther into the alley. Tsukiyama grabbed his cold hand and kissed it gently.

 _'Kaneki… I worry about you, you know? Ah, I bet you do. The point is that you are running away from me. From little Hinami. From Touka. From everyone, actually'_

 _'And?'_

 _'Firstly, don't interrupt me like that. Secondly, it is important so listen carefully. You sir are an egoist '_

 _'Excuse me?'_ he spitted out, trying not to punch Tsukiyama right in the face.

 _'You may not like it but don't even try to convince me it's not true. Since Hide-'_

 _'Don't. Say. This. Name'_ a pure anger emitted from his voice. Tsukiyama had no right to talk about him nor to treat him like an argument in such discussion.

 _'Oh, so this is the source huh'_ even if his face was still without any specific expression, he was ready to literally kill that man.

He never had felt such aggression and frustration… Or maybe he was overreacting as he didn't really felt anything since a very long time? Before he came up to a solid conclusion, someone had wrapped warm arms around him.

 _'Ken… It's okay'_

 _'Let me go'_

 _'Do you want to make me bleed?'_

 _'Huh?'_ he blinked a few times as he wasn't prepare for such weird question. _' What are you talking about?'_

 _'You're in pain. I just want to help you with getting rid of it, at least just a bit.'_

 _'I have no idea what are you talking about'_ this rude manner became a habit to him. It was like a shield to prevent enemies from getting to close to him. The problem was that there were no enemies.

 _'You can't lie well, you know?'_

He clenched his fists in sudden wave of frustration within him. Yes, he knew he was terribly bad at lying. He also knew that all those statements were true and that was the worst. No one should be able to read from him that well.  
The last person who could do so was Hide.  
But he was dead.  
Fucking dead.  
 _Dead._

 _'…Dead'_

 _'Huh?'_

 _'Hide is dead_. Dead _. And he won't come back because he's_ dead _'_ Tsukiyama hugged his skinny body even tighter. _'This isn't fucking fair'_

 _'Indeed, it isn't'_

 _'No, you don't understand'_ finally those lively eyes met with their dead friends, _'I'm not saying it's unfair that he's no longer here but it's fucking unfair that you can see so much'_

A tiny shock appeared on Tsukiyama's face but it wasn't something weird. Even he himself didn't expect to say such words.

 _'Whatever. I'm going home'_ but arms wrapped around him didn't let him go anywhere.

 _'Not so quick, mon chere'_ warm lips touched his own and time seemed to stop for a millisecond.

It was always like this. Each time the surroundings seemed to freeze for so short that it was almost impossible to see it. But he had noticed this phenomenon at the first time. And at the second time. And at each next time they kissed.

 _'Why do you do this?'_

 _'Do you mean kissing you?'_

 _'No. I mean caring about me. I don't deserve that'_

 _'Please, don't say such things'_

 _'But it's true'_ he dropped down his head as if his shoes became more interesting than his boyfriend's face. _'I'm a wreck since Hide passed away and you can't argue about it and yet you still care about me, worry about me, maybe even love me. I'm not worthy to be treated like that.'_

 _'Kaneki… Yes, I still_ do _love you and if I ever did something what made you think otherwise then you have a right to break up with me'_

 _'You're impossibly stupid, really'_

 _'I'm trying my best, thank you_ ' as Hide's smile used to be vivid and bright, Tsukiyama's was subtle and charming. It was one of many traits he really liked about him but wouldn't tell out loud.

However, it was really horrible as he would love to be able to do such things. To say compliments. To show affection. To actually behave like a boyfriend.  
But, as he had already said before, he was a wreck. Empty shell in shape of a human. Almost every positive memory, aspect of his character was somehow connected with Nagachika. When he died, so did his good traits. It was simple concept yet painfully heartbreaking, not only to him.

 _'You're right.'_

 _'About what?'_

 _'I'm a horrible egoist and therefore would you mind coming to my place?'_

 _'That's not an egoistic wish'_

 _'You don't know my reasons'_

 _'I think I don't need to this time'_ after a forehead kiss they headed back to his house.

It was pretty nice to hold hands, as his own was quite cold while Tsukiyama's was warm; they were the exact opposite. He was also somehow glad that his partner hadn't asked about his reasons.  
 _'I would like to make sure I won't kill myself tonight because it's impolite to commit suicide while there is somebody around'_ would probably shatter that nice picture of him which Tsukiyama had in his mind.

Nice words and beloved people aren't the cure for suicidal behavior, unfortunately.


End file.
